The Fieldstone Review

RE: Improving Saskatoon by purging undesirables from downtown

July 29th, 2013
His Worship Don Atchison
City of Saskatoon
222 3rd Avenue North
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan S7K 0J5

Dear Your Worship:

re: Improving Saskatoon by purging undesirables from downtown

I write today regarding the undesirables loitering about downtown. Surely you too have seen them, perhaps while you wait at a bus stop. They chortle maniacally, pull off shady deals, and act as though the law does not apply to them. Often in clusters and difficult to walk around, these people are completely oblivious to the citizenry. That is, until they want something from us. Then they’re in our face looking for attention.

As far as I’m concerned, these businessmen are ruining downtown!

Now I admit that I’ve never engaged in a substantive conversation with these
lazy bums. But they’re different from me. Therefore they must be lesser people
than me. And you know what I find most reprehensible? When they do speak up,
they’re usually looking for handouts! Just this spring they were begging – begging –
to get out of paying property taxes. We both know that if these lollygaggers
simply worked harder, they wouldn’t need handouts. It really burns my ass-

Enough is enough! It’s time for Saskatoon to take action. We need to purge these undesirables from our downtown! Obviously, the most expedient solution is to starve them out by removing a key need for their survival. With this in mind, I have taken it upon myself to observe their one commonality: They are all clad in suits and other business attire. It thus stands to reason that if these undesirables cannot get their hands on suits downtown, they will not hang out downtown.

The solution is clear: Let us tear down the suit stores downtown! It is only by taking the wrecking ball to the peddlers of business attire that we can purge this dangerous filth from our city centre.

It is doubtful that my solution will stop these leeches from continuing to ask for special breaks. However, it will move the problem away from my personal and immediate sphere. Therefore, in my mind the problem will be solved. I am sure it will be in yours too.

Helpfully yours,

Jonas Kiedrowski

PS – Could you please mail me a new Route 12 and Route 14 bus schedule? I want to double-check that peak-hours service through City Park has been cut in half.